Would you like to know if someone finds you attractive?  Or do you fancy someone and want to let them know without actually telling them?  Perhaps you want to send out the right signals to get a first date, or are ready for a relationship and want to attract someone on a night out with your friends?

Here I will provide a general overview on body language of sexual attraction between the male and female.  An interesting topic for you I hope, so hold onto your hats – it might get a little hot!

Let’s look at some of the signals in body language of sexual attraction.  Of course, it may be that the object of a person’s desire does not reciprocate the other’s feelings, and so I have noted a few warning signs to look out for where appropriate!

When Lightning Strikes

So what happens when we encounter new people?  It is well known that we make almost instant judgments when we meet someone new, and our emotional assessment is what is commonly known as ‘chemistry’. 

Chemistry can be incredibly powerful between a male and female.  It can erupt from nowhere upon first laying eyes upon someone, hitting you like a slap in the face! (Only much nicer an experience.)  This is sometimes thought to be love at first sight – a male and female who have this experience may both refer to this as ‘we both just knew straight away.' If you have experienced this bolt of lightning chemistry experience then you will certainly know about it - there is definitely no denying it!

In fact, a friend of mine (whose name and gender shall remain confidential) said that they had so much chemistry with their partner that they could hardly look each other in the eye!  It only takes about 400 milliseconds to trigger a response.  Talk about being bowled over!

If you have experienced this bolt of lightning chemistry experience then you will certainly know about it – there is definitely no denying it!  

So how do you know if someone is sexually attracted to you and are you aware of your own body language?

So if you are driven to distraction by the one you secretly admire and you can’t be doing with the sleepless nights until Valentine’s Day to make it known, then pay close attention to the object of your desire and if appropriate, make it happen! It can be very tricky being able to tell if someone is sexually attracted to you, although quite possible if you read their body language.  What follows will hopefully help you determine when there is sexual attraction between a male and female.  It is important to be aware that the speed at which the flirtation process takes place is varied dependent upon peoples' personalities.  Personality affects body language and the speed at which people interact sexually.  Extroverts are impatient and get bored more easily, whereas introverts will proceed more slowly and with caution. 

Eyes are the Window to the Soul (Apparently)

Let us firstly look at eye contact.  Eye contact can be used to convey sexual orientation.  In fact, it may not only be a lingering look, but a visual probing.  Eye contact plays a vital role in sexual attraction.  Initially, eye contact is made between two people and then one looks away.  This is because the person initiating eye contact does not want the other person to realise that they are interested in them.  And then they wait to check out of the corner of their eye as to whether the other person is interested too!  This usually happens at the outset when neither knows what the other person thinks, feels or wants – it is risky business.

When a person is more comfortable with the other (two people can feel more comfortable with each other through their senses whether or not communication has yet been made), then long and lingering looks are made by those who seek to dominate – they literally cannot take their eyes off the other person!  This may also occur at the outset and can be beyond a person’s control!

Eye contact can also be used very much to command attention.  Eyes can be quite animated, for instance, widening of the eyes to emphasize innocence or interest; or a slight squinting of the eyes which is often referred to as a ‘knowing’ look, the latter particularly so with a slight chin raise – men are good at this!  (Be careful not to confuse the ‘knowing’ look with that of the squinting ‘hate’ stare – opposite ends of the spectrum!)  For women, widening the eyes can be a good technique to use if you are sexually attracted to a man– men tend to find this very appealing and respond in a protective and nurturing manner (which of course we women adore!).  Widening the eyes is really quite a submissive act to take, and actually cries out, ‘Wow, really?  Gosh, you’re so amazing, I’m enthralled!’ or, turned to the self, ‘Please like me, look after me, I need looking after!’

It is even possible to read into a person’s eyes.  If we like something we see, our pupils dilate.  This includes when we are attracted to someone (although do bear in mind the brightness of the area you are positioned in, as bright light will cause pupils to contract).  Furthermore, we actually prefer to see dilated pupils in other people than contracted pupils.

Initiating a Conversation

The next step is to communicate verbally and not just with our bodies.  I really do feel for men on this one, as I think it is still the case that we women believe men should make the first move and it must be scary fairy stuff!  (Yet whilst I feel for them, I wouldn’t like to have to initiate!)  Whoever initiates is taking a huge risk, but can probably tell whether he or she has permission by the response he or she receives, either verbally or by way of body language, or both.)

When conversation stage is reached, it is possible for the male and female to decide whether they like each other.  The more they enjoy each other’s company, generally the longer the communication time will be, and either one or both will want to prolong conversation, even without actually verbalising their attraction for each other if it is still thought to be too much of a risk; it will be suppressed.   This can lead to pretending to talk to or ask the other person about unrelated subjects, perhaps to the extent of making a bit of a fool of yourself.  Who said it was easy?!

It may well be at communication stage where you are able to tell whether the other person is interested.  A person’s feet will tend to point in the direction they want to be.  They have an open attitude if their head, feet and torso are pointing in your direction, but beware if they are pointing away – they want to get away (although there may well be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, of course, other than lack of desire to be with you).

I Don’t Fancy You At All.  Honest.

Also at communication stage, there may well be tics and displacement activity displayed in body language where there is an attraction between two people.  For example, we could really want to hold a person’s hand, but instead we may remove some fluff from our clothes as we are afraid that we will be rejected if we dare to attempt to hold a person’s hand.  Another example is when women often touch their hair, or flick it back.  Men may scratch their cheek, or check their tie.  These are alternative actions to the ones they really want to take!

One who tilts their head to one side when communicating verbally is showing interest, and often attraction – we actually tilt our head to one side before we kiss.  Also with the head tilt, this exposes some of the neck which can appear alluring in women.  The head tilt gives an appealing and helpless look, and is a display of trust in a man that the woman is willing to display a powerless part of her body.  She is showing that she is vulnerable, and indeed available, to the male.

Another signal of interest in another (and not only where there is sexual attraction) is nodding.  We actually tend to nod more than we are consciously aware and by doing so, we are encouraging the other person, although timing is important to nodding – too soon could mean that one is interrupting the other indicating a desire to end the communication in an attempt to speed up and conclude what the other is saying.

 Upturned palms are a dead giveaway.  This action is submissive and show openness and honesty.  We use open palms to make a connection to another person when we wave to them.  But when a woman shows a man her palms of her hands and insides of wrists when there is sexual attraction, this is an invitation to a man to caress her – wrists are an erogenous zone and can be very sensual.

Position Yourself

Physical space is important too.  Distance between two people is a signal as to how comfortable we are with one another.  This may also depend on personality, however if we are attracted to someone, then we will generally be more comfortable with being physically closer to them.  Changing the distance between two people can also increase or decrease dominance.  Where there is sexual attraction between a male and female this change can be quite effortless as there is a pendulum of contact between the two.  

Leaning forward shows interest and liking – you are sharing space with the other person and want to be close to them.  This is a useful tool for women to use to display their breasts, and no doubt appealing to the male recipient observer where there is sexual attraction!  This is a typical action to emphasise gender.

Other Telltale Signs of Sexual Attraction

Other examples of flirting body language include the eyebrow flash and the coy smile, the latter being particularly telling.  The eyebrow flash can be used to draw attention or acknowledge another person.  It can also be used to show agreement with another.  But be careful of the eyebrow flash as it can also be used to display disapproval, particularly if only one eyebrow is raised.  (I actually got quite a telling off from an ex-boss for displaying a raised eyebrow on what was apparently too many occasions around the boardroom table.  My argument was (with a much further raised eyebrow and quite defiantly), ‘I have not done anything wrong!’ when in fact I knew perfectly well I had displayed my disapproval at certain topics that had been discussed and this is how I had displayed it in body language!)

The coy smile can be an important one to note.  It can be a hint of a smile that gives a snippet of things to come – the ‘I’ve only just begun with you’ smile, or it could be teamed with the ‘knowing’ eye contact look.  This can be a strong signal to send out or receive, the one which says, ‘Oh yes, I’ve got my eye on you, I like what I see, I want what I see and I am definitely going to get it!’.  

Both sexes may be dominant and submissive, (I have touched upon this above in terms of physical space) which leads to the playful back and forth of flirtation.

One indication of attraction on a male’s behalf to a female is that they may look dominant and strut! It can be seen, on occasions, that a man who wants to impress will parade around like a peacock, straightening his posture, sticking out his chest and breathing in – like the V-shaped Adonis on the beach a la Daniel Craig trunks scene in Casino Royale.  (Of course, the peacock does not have to be on a beach scene and it can be displayed anywhere, my thought pattern diverted!)  Another indication of attraction or wanting to appear attractive is crotch display, which is when a man puts his hands on his hips or in particular, his hands hanging from his pockets – this naturally points to the genitals and emphasises gender.  It is quite possible that he will not realise he is doing it but he is most definitely sending out the clear signal of ‘look at what I have to offer, it’s available’.  This can be seen a lot in social scenarios, for instance bars.

The differences between where men and women look at the other is also apparent.  Men tend to look generally from the eyes to the hips in a woman they find attractive, often lingering on the breasts or upper torso.  On the contrary, women tend to look at an attractive male all the way up and down from head to toe (and sometimes back up again)!

Speech Errors – Cringeworthy Moments

When You Wish The Earth Would Swallow You Up

Communication between a male and female where there is a sexual attraction is not necessarily straight forward.  In fact, it can be a downright struggle and you may want the earth to swallow you up!  Speech errors can be prevalent and can be highly embarrassing as they indicate nervousness – a person can literally stumble on his or her words.  Hugh Grant did some pretty impressive speech stumbling in the film, Four Weddings and a Funeral, bless him, and didn’t your heart just go out to him?  Watch out for when speech errors happen in other environments aside from where there is sexual attraction, as they can be an indication of lying or trying to deceive.  This is particularly the case where there is stuttering or using ‘erm’ etc.  Also with speech errors, watch out (perhaps in a positive way) for the ‘Freudian slip’ – that is where a word that a person is truly thinking of simply slips out of a person’s mouth, instead of the word they actually want to say!  For instance:

Fred:    You’ve got a great butt today Jane, erm no, no – I mean a great result today, a great result.  Brilliant in fact.  Absolutely brilliant. (Wishing the earth would open up and swallow him!)

Jane:    (A bit shocked initially but continues to reply as she is oblivious to its true meaning …) Oh thanks Fred, yes I’m really happy with it.

The Freudian slip is where the true thought and meaning is spoken, rather than what the brain had cognitively intended to tell the mouth to say.  Another example of this is in the film, Bridget Jones’ Diary.  Bridget has to publicly speak to an audience at a book launch.  When announcing her colleague to the stage for recognition at the book launch, rather than announcing Mr Fitzherbert, out slips Mr Tits Pervert!  Oh no, too late, it’s out there, and there is no going back!  Yes, we can see that speech stumbles and Freudian slips can be both beneficial, but much of the time, downright embarrassing!  Although on a positive note, if you wanted to send a signal out to another person that you do find them attractive, you could engineer a deliberate Freudian slip!

In any event, hopefully, the speech issues will be overcome and flirtation is able to progress!

Body Contact – Getting In There!

Once the foundations of flirting have been laid down it is natural progression to endeavour body contact.  Body contact is a huge area in its own right and as such, I shall keep it brief here for now.  In Western cultures, it is still largely considered appropriate for the male to approach the female, (men, again I feel for, but don’t envy you!) although secretly the female may initiate her ‘approach’ via body language signals as I have discussed above.  

Generally amongst friendships, there are those who endeavour personal touch, for instance, hugging and/or a kiss or two on the cheek(s) when they meet and greet or depart.  The laws of body contact where there is attraction are a little different (although it could be built upon the ‘meet and greet’ principles).

I shall deal with hugging in a moment.  Firstly, I will address childsplay.  Sexual attraction can be displayed with childsplay, for instance, body contact by way of tickling which can be used as a safe test for reaction.  Tickling is quite ambiguous (which is what makes it ‘safe’) – in a playful environment tickling can easily be undertaken by a person and be received quite innocently without offence.  Where there is sexual attraction, it could well provoke a response of acknowledgment, for instance, a glimpse of eye contact which can be read to signal whether the tickling is acceptable, or merely allowing and permitting the tickling to take place without verbally rejecting it, or actively encouraging it merely by going along with it.  When a person is aware that it has not verbally been rejected, the tickling action can then be prolonged and it may be possible to quickly progress to something more passionate!

Hugging is also a relatively risk-free action, even where there is attraction between a male and female.  If a male and female are at the stage where they feel comfortable to hug, this action can be excellent as an opportunity to develop into something further!  For instance, if one person is particularly happy about some good news he or she has received, or even sad, whatever the emotion, the opportunist can celebrate / congratulate / reassure / comfort the other person by hugging them.  This need not be as daunting an action to take as you may initially think – by verbalising what you are going to do first prior to carrying out the action actually takes the shock away from it.  (This can also apply to touch other than hugs.)  For example:

Jane:    Do you know, I’m really fed up today.  I’ve had a really bad day, everything just seems to have gone wrong, if it’s not been one thing it’s been another.

Fred:    Aw poor you, that’s a shame, come here, let me give you a hug and you can tell me what’s happened.

Hug takes place!  Bingo!

Hugs are a sign of friendly affection that could rapidly develop into something more passionate!  A hug is an excellent opportunity to quickly progress to say, a kiss, where there is sexual attraction between a male and female, given the closeness of the two bodies.  In these circumstances, whilst the hug is taking place, it is possible to make the kiss happen.  One can pause with their face very close to the other’s face, or move their hands to a place that is not necessarily where they would be for the action of just a hug.  For instance, moving one hand to hold onto the back of the other person’s neck or head (also useful for pulling the person in towards you).  If enough emphasis is placed on a certain little ‘action’ during a hug, hopefully the other person will have the sixth sense to pick up on it, make eye contact, and away you go!  So you see, hugs rock!  Although watch out for the pat on the back whilst hugging, it is a sign that enough is enough.

How Can We Know For Sure?

In summary, there are many signals where there is attraction between a male and female. The initial eye contact is present.  Emphasis is placed on differentiating the genders, certainly in body language, by way of preening, strutting for men, emphasizing hair and female attributes for women – this may also possibly be emphasized verbally in conversation. Being open and encouraging is the underlying factor, even if conversation is strained due to nervousness and stumbling. Despite all of these signals, each gender say it is very, very difficult to know for sure, as there can be so much ambiguity, particularly if they are playing it safe, but hopefully the signals in body language may help!  It is always difficult to know with any certainty unless one person has the courage to verbalise they are sexually attracted to the other, and the flirtation process almost always involves tentatively taking risks to some degree as each proceeds to test the other.

If you are experiencing attraction to another and don’t know what, if anything, to do about it due to fear of rejection or other reasons, or if you have any interesting comments to make or add then please email me by clicking this link with the details (which are totally confidential) and I would be happy to provide my opinion, in the hope of shining some light on the situation!  Please see 'Our Charges' for e-mail counselling rates.  N.B. Special offer applies of 4 for 3 e-mail counselling sessions up until and including 30th November.